These Holidays, What Matters To You?
This holiday season, do you want to do what you've always done or would you like to actually enjoy it for a change?
I can already see it in people’s eyes in supermarkets and shopping malls.
That frazzled, end of year look, where you're just holding on, hoping to get through everything until you can have a break.
What about if you thought about the holidays and Christmas in a completely different way?
What if there was a way which took the pressure off you to be all things to all people and instead allowed you to do what actually mattered and was meaningful to you?
Would you do it?
Often around Christmas and end of year celebrations, we can become consumed with this idealistic view of what we think we need to do, buy, consume, eat and drink.
Buy presents for the kid’s teachers, organise the office, Kris Kringle, send out the family invitations, letterbox drop the neighbours for a get-together and start planning for a quick post-Christmas getaway?
Is it any wonder that many of us can feel frazzled and overwhelmed by Christmas Day?
Biochemist and author Dr Libby Weaver calls it ‘the invisible load’.
What she means is the build-up of all the mental and emotional energy that goes into just getting through our daily lives and which can appear ramped up around a busy time like Christmas.
And the bulk of that overwhelm can fall to you, particularly if you are someone who often says to yourself “if I don't do it, no one will.”
What drives many of us to be susceptible to feelings of overwhelm is the importance we place on how others see us.
“We don't like being seen in an unfavourable light by others and to get our basic needs of being loved and accepted met, we take on traits such as being helpful and being of service to others,” she said.
Which is wonderful and admirable but at what cost does it come to you?
I am a mother of four amazing boys, now young adults.
For much of their lives, I fulfilled what I saw as my role which was to cook, clean, organise their lives, drive them around, help them with homework, be a sounding board and moral touchstone, when things occasionally fell off the rails ( as life often does.)
Now they are a bit older though, I think about whether it would've been much better and much more empowering for them, for me and my husband to step back.
And instead of thinking if “I don't do it, no one will” if I had changed my thoughts to “if I keep doing it, no one else will ever do it” whether that's taking out the washing, setting the table for dinner, or planning the Christmas festivities.
It doesn't matter whether it's parenting, dealing with people in an office or workplace or negotiating family relationships, the principle is the same.
If we continue to see our only value in what we do for others, and making sure we are seen as ‘good, helpful, and generous’, we will remain stuck in feeling overwhelmed and we are also disempowering those we love.
My way or the highway
What we are inadvertently saying when we insist on doing everything ourselves is that, “I don't trust you to do it well.”
Many of us whether it's in a family or work situation can feel a sense of resentment when others around us don't realise just how much we are doing and how much is on our plate
When it comes to how much effort you put around Christmas and the holidays, how much does it really matter to the people you care about?
To put this in perspective, I want you to think back to the Christmases and holidays when you were a child.
What are the memories that you cherish from that time?
Is it the gifts that you received?
Or do you look back and value the time that you spent with the people who cared about you?
As a kid, I only remember getting one gift that I truly wanted and that was a kitten.
I had been nagging my family about it for years and my mother finally relented getting me a white kitten which I called snow-white until I found out he was a boy.
I was still over the moon with happiness nonetheless.
Other than that, my Christmas holiday memories are firmly rooted in remembering experiences, snippets of conversations, food and being with my mother, sister, aunties, cousins and grandmother.
Those important memories didn't involve weeks of preparation, stress and overwhelm.
But I’m good at doing lots of things at once!
What if you see yourself as someone who excels in doing lots of things at the same time and can easily handle the multitasking that’s needed to get through a busy life?
The bad news is your brain has other ideas.
We are simply not built to do multiple things at once.
According to researchers from the University Of Southern California, working on one task at a time means both parts of the brain, known as the prefrontal cortex, are working in harmony.
But adding another task forces the left and right sides of the brain to work independently.
Scientists at the Institut National de la Santé et de la Recherche Médicale (INSERM) in Paris proved this when they asked study participants to finish two tasks at the same time while having functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI). (That's where researchers can see what's going on in a person's brain in real-time.)
They found we make three times more mistakes when given simultaneous tasks.
And it actually makes you less productive.
Even if you think you are good at juggling sending texts, emails and the writing to-do list all at the same time, chances are you're not.
Research conducted at Stanford University found those who thought they were good at multitasking and that it boosted their performance were actually worse than those who preferred to do one thing at a time. They found multitaskers weren't as good at filtering out unnecessary information and took longer to switch from one task to another.
So trying to do it all (and all at once) may not be the best approach.
Ultimately, it's up to each of us to set the tone for how we approach the holiday season.
Answering these questions can help.
This year, the most important thing for me is xx
The most meaningful experience is xx
This year, I will feel fulfilled if I xx
And remember, while we can't change what happens to us, we can change our approach, reactions and responses.
That will ensure a peaceful and meaningful holiday season not just for your loved ones, but for you as well.
Sophie Scott is a medical journalist who writes about positive psychology, authenticity and meaning.